There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
