the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
