her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
