I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
