As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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