hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
