So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
