this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
