saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
