I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
