Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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