im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wanna go halves on a baby?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
