low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
