Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
