: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
