Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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