Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
