He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
