There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
