Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
