I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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