i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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