Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
