Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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