boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
