i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
