i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
