Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think i just naturally attract stoners
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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