I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
