so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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