someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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