apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
