capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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