Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
