I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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