Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
