I cannot find my penis.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
