I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
