What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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