So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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