but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
