she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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