Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
