Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
