you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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