Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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