what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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