Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
