You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Shame - the story of my life.
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