I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
did i just pee glitter
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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