You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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