HIV tests are more positive than that guy
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
