Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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