I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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