FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
