I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
