Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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