The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
