Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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